Raising Men: From Fathers to Sons: Life Lessons from Navy SEAL Training #

These book notes are for me and may not make 100% sense to you as the reader. I have found this book to be super helpful, its made me more mindful of my actions or lack there of. Buy it from Amazon or ThirftBooks

• Do it on purpose
• Chasing the bull, losing sight of the real problem. Sometimes factors are out of your control, but you should account/plan ahead for it.
• See beyond your current intuition and norms
• True action vs useless movement
  • true action => produces an outcome
  • useless movement => makes you look busy, is usually meaningless
• Parenting is a form of asymmetrical warfare
• As dads, we need to Lead & Love
• It's important to have clear end states, define outcomes and expectations
• Build a bond of Honor, Respect & Love

Building a Team #

• Explain to your team the why
• Communicate in a way that makes sense to your teammate
• Never giving up is really about trying again
• All actions have consequences (positive or negative)
• Teach successful behavior
• Prioritize team work, procedure, we before me
• Be consistent
• Don't let up to early, training never ends
• Stay humble and strong
• To your son, you are his father not his friend
• Foster drive
  • think and show that they are capable
  • express interest in what they do/like
  • support them
• As a leader, you must stay ahead, keep them safe, lead
• Lead by example
• Be the point man
• Be and Be There
• Push them into discomfort
• Get in the water, be active, participate
• Provide a lean on mean attitude
• Be honest about your past
• Consider if you are worth listening to
• Own up to your mistakes
• Turn negative cells in positives
  • Be a negative cell but ask for help
• Life is not fair, deal with it
• Don't be afraid to pivot
• No victim mentality, treat people politely
• GSD => Get Shit Done
• Put in the work
• How you learn: embrace that you are wrong and they are right
• Empower others by answering the inquiries or showing them how to find the answer
• Show and lead by example, defend yourself

Debrief One #

1. What parenting paradigm have you found irrelevant or ineffective?
   1. Using fear and because I said so
2. Who are you being coached or trained by? How is that helping or hurting your ability to be a dad?
   1. At this time I don't have a
3. Name at least one ineffective parenting technique you have used and how you will change it
4. When you disciplined your son, was it ineffective?
5. When have you admitted you were wrong?
6. Are you humble and good at getting help? Or are you arrogant?
7. Have you taught him how to get help?
8. Have you shown him what good help is?

Keep Up #

• It's easier to keep up, than to catch up. When you fall behind, it stacks up. Stay the course
• Make adjustments as you go, stay flexible
• Always say "Yes" be positive
• Remain insistent and consistent
• It's important to coach not correct, do not scold mistakes
• Use the mantra: Learn, Practice, Experience, Repeat
• Give them feedback, make it positive
• Look out for "dream stealers", they are the negative nancies
  • check in with your kids, have good self talks about dream stealers
  • dream stealers can be people close to you and them

Debrief Two #

1. Are there any areas of your son's life that you have fallen behind? School, friends, employment?
2. What coaches are influencing your children besides you?
3. How consistent are you with your parenting?
4. How good is your son at accepting correction?
5. How does your consistency or lack of affect his ability to accept correction?

Hesitation Kills #

• take immediate and successful actions
• use acronyms and pnumonics to help speed up learning/communication
• Give your kids the skills to defend themselves verbally and physically
• respond quickly and correct behavior
• Blue on Blue (friendly fire)
  • Ensure that as their parents, we are in sync
  • Let's talk and get on the same page
  • counting to 3, shows weakness
• Let's talk and figure out what's going on? Why this behavior?
  • Ask why are you rolling your eyes?
  • Why are your frustrated?
  • Is it because I do the same thing, yet I expect you to do different?
• Don't be a prick
• Our goal should be to ensure that our kids come out ahead after any life lesson
• I told you so is not negative
• Reinforce the good stuff
• Let your relationship with your kids happen, encourage, coax, provide tough love, but be strategic
• Always help build their confidence

Debrief Three #

1. In times of trouble, are your actions quick, precise and swift? Or do you panic?
2. In times of trouble, are your kids' actions quick, precise and swift? Or do they panic? (Practice)
3. Do you practice IADS (Immediate Action Drills)?
   1. Which do you have in place?
   2. Which do you need to put in place?
4. Do you address their good and bad behavior?
   1. In the moment or do you hesitate? (Give 3 examples)
5. When you address a bad behavior, would your son describe you as kind and encouraging?
6. Does he take what you say to heart?
7. Does he look forward to future learning opportunities? Why or why not?

Mind over Matter #

• Mental willpower is a catalyst for success
• Allow quiet time
• Teach them how to visualize the end goal
  • What does this success look like?
  • What does it feel like?
• Have a purpose and objective for the day
• Think about their happiness, nor yours
• Think about how what you do, sets the standards to how they will be as parents
• Enjoy the small moments
• Every chore makes you a better father, our attitude about a tasks determines the outcome
• Misery can be turned into Enjoyment
  • believe in a higher power and pass it on
• Life is a long game, some flames may flicker
• Love is a choice, think about how you are moving to be a better father each day
• We before Me, inhale exhale
• There is no good or bad, they're both building blocks. Opportunities to learn
• Great mental strength can be found be helping others
• Do the hard and uncomfortable work in small steps
• Encourage your kids to talk to you, about anything

Debrief Four #

1. What does mental toughness mean to you?
2. What is something your son has failed at because he couldn't bare the mental discomfort of it?
3. What is something you've succeeded at regardless of the discomfort?
4. How do you build up your son's mental toughness?
5. Create a list of things you dislike to do as a father. Explain how both you and your son benefit from doing those things
6. What are some ways you turned bad or negative situations into pleasurable ones
7. How does shifting your focus outward help you better enjoy life?
   1. How does this connect to creating passion?
   2. How can you teach this to your son?
8. Are you good at self regulating?
   1. How can you get better?
   2. Have you taught your son to self regulate?

Beating vs Winning #

• Beating is a one time event, it provides victory
• Winning provides you skills and you achieve goals, overcome hurdles
• A body in motion, stays in motion
• Emphasize the effort, not the result
• Keep him active, creative and focused
• Don't build a puppy belly: sitting down and getting comfortable
• Learn to lose, remember how you felt.
• Regardless of the outcome, it's about the process
• Embrace change and adversity
• Being a winner means that you have one more try in you, always regardless of the outcome
• Promote competition
  • in everyday events
  • make it race
  • teach them to win and lose

Debrief Five #

1. What's the difference between beating someone and winning?
2. What are the skills or capacities that you want your son to win at life?
3. What is the purpose of a participation award? How can you use it?
4. How do you celebrate life's failures in your family and use them for the collective growth?
5. Are you good at failing? Why or why not/
6. How many times have you failed at something before you give up?
7. Are you showing your kids how to be exceptional or extraordinary?

Constant Growth #

• Stay in a state of constant growth
  • show your kids
• Break the negative mindset, own your practice
  • Meditation
  • Visualization
  • Positive Thinking and Affirmations
• How you practice is more important than what you practice
• Teach them about the practice of compounding and delayed gratification
• Invest in yourself

Debrief Six #

1. What are you better at today than you were a year ago?
2. What challenges have you overcome to reach a goal?
3. What challenges have stopped you from reaching a goal?
4. What personal limits are you currently stretching?
5. Are you confident or arrogant? why?
6. Do you pursue comfort or purpose?
7. Do you currently train in any discipline? How has that affected your confidence?
8. In what training is your son engaged in that will build his confidence?

Discipline #

• Get off your ass!
• Do things they enjoy, get them moving
• Eat well and don't serve them crap
• Earn your trident everyday

Debrief Seven #

1. List the bad habits you have when not mentally or physically stimulated enough
2. List your son's bad habits when he is not mentally or physically stimulated enough
3. Do you accept that physical fitness is critical to a good life?
4. How much exercise do you do per week?
5. Wht are your go to activities after work or the weekends?
6. In what way are you setting an example to your son regarding physical fitness?
7. What physical activities have you done with your son that has created bonds?
8. What areas of your or his life are affected by lack of stimulation (physical/intellectual)?
9. What will be the next physical activity you will do with your son?

Safety #

• Learn the Box Drill: If you are in a safe place, stay there
• Sometimes you just have to walk away
• Levels of force: Gentle, Firm, Fight
• Learn to identify potential threats
• When you enter a new place, identify the entrances and exits
• The four phases of conflict
  1. Avoid conflict, increase distance: move and don't react
  2. Deter/barricade: safety is #1
  3. Seek help: there's power in asking for help
  4. Defend: prepare for the conflict, which should be the last resort
• You always have the power to choose
• Look ahead and think about what could go wrong

Debrief Eight #

1. How did you feel about avoiding a first fight before this chapter? How do you feel about it after?
2. List the 4 things that someone should do before defending themselves physically?
3. Define Power
4. List the 5 phases of a fight
   1. describe how your son should defend themselves fro a bully at school
5. Describe how those phases can give him power or confidence
6. How do you handle a bully? How do you handle someone who cuts you off? Or someone who yells at you?

Do Shit #

• Keep the space between you and your kids full
• Close the gap and go out together
• Camp together, rough it
• Let your kids fail, help them build confidence
• Don't be a paper tiger
  • Being a dad on paper but not in practice
• It's never too late
  • Say I love you
  • Say I'm sorry
• Parenting is forever

Debrief Nine #

1. In what ways are you a paper dad?
2. Do you lift your kids over life's obstacles or do you allow them to handle it on their own?
3. What are some ways you've hampered his growth by supporting him to much?
4. If your relationship fades, what will you do to get it back?

Quotes #

Don't be right, be effective.

We are a team, don't focus on who messed up. Let's fix it and move on.

Ask why twice, then ask how.

Learn, Practice, Experience, Repeat

Your kids' bad behavior is a response to your bad parenting

Mind over matter, if you don't mind it doesn't matter

Enjoy the small moments

Never stop learning

Really go out there, put it all on the line, be unstoppable

Parenting is forever